Alone is Easier

This is a post I wrote a couple of years ago. Since I haven”t had anything to post in a while, I thought I”d share something that I haven”t shared here. As I went back through them, this one stood out and spoke to me again.

I”ve mentioned before that despite the face of confidence I put on, that I am a very insecure person. I”ve not gone into to detail, because I”ve had other things to say. I”d like to give you another look into my psyche to offer up a little insight into my life, and what I have learned as a result of certain things in my past.

All through school I had varying levels of bullies that made my life hell. There were generally two results that my tormentors were trying to achieve, one was to make me lose my temper and blow up making a complete fool of myself. The other was to make me cry. I always tried to make my bullies like me. I figured that if they would like me they”d stop being so mean to me. So in an effort to gain their true friendship, I would let them do whatever they wanted and stopped putting up a fight.

The problem with the above thought process was that once I stopped acting liked I cared, the more I started believing that this torture was something that I deserved. I also felt that we would never be friends, because no matter how hard I could try I could never be as good or cool as them. I was your stereo typical target. I was small (5″7″ 111 soaking wet when I graduated high school), and I certainly wasn”t cool; I was sickly and accident prone. Although I”ve grown in height and girth, I haven”t totally outgrown the mindset. Thus the source of a lot of my current battle with insecurity and the need for everyone to like me.

I truly and honestly would like to be able to please everyone, which isn”t in itself a bad thing. But when the thought is always there in the back of my mind that I don”t deserve people to like me and at any second everyone will turn their back on me, it becomes less about them and all about me. It”s dangerous thought process, and it has been a crippling one for me a good portion of my life.

I don”t give you those paragraphs for you to feel sorry for me. I give them to you to have a little insight into who I am and a little perspective on the following paragraphs. I”m not claiming to have a vast knowledge of how going through something like this affects everyone, but I know what it did to me. So I”d like to share a little of what I”ve seen through my shaped mindset.

I”ve been thinking a lot about my life from age 7-17 lately, and I”ve drawn a lot of correlation between what I was treated like then and some of the ways kasino Red -otsikon alta loydat NetEntin pelit. that I see people treated now. People often say don”t take it personal when someone mistreats you; they are probably just having a bad day and taking it out on you. Heck I”ve even said it on multiple occasions. While I agree there is validity to that statement, I can”t help but be reminded of something similar I was told growing up. You are being picked on because they have lacks and are trying to make you miserable just like they are. Now again there is definitely truth in those words, however; it still didn”t change the fact that what was being done wasn”t called for. So tell me, what is the point of taking out your misery on someone else. Does making someone share your misery in that way make you less miserable?

Let”s be honest here. No matter the intent behind it, the jab that”s thrown from someone having a bad day can still have the same lingering affects as the one being thrown by a “bully” no matter how much someone tries not to take it personally. It doesn”t matter how old or what kind of background someone has; if they are constantly subtly told they are worthless and don”t deserve anything but the worst to happen to them, anyone can buy into it. I have seen the best and brightest think they are stupid because they”ve had it drilled into their heads. I have seen People who are online casino excellent in whatever they are currently involved believe whatever they do could never be good enough. I”ve seen the most attractive people inside and out believe they are ugly because someone didn”t want them to know how truly beautiful they are. I”m not saying the pursuit of perfection is a bad thing, but there certainly is a difference in encouraging someone to obtain their goal and beating them down physically, mentally, or emotionally for failing to achieve it.

These things don”t happen in an instant. It takes multiple jabs, possibly from multiple sources for the belief to take root. They come from every direction classmates, “friends”, co-workers, bosses, siblings, and unfortunately parents and significant others (be they husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend). The lie eventually takes such a deep grasp of everything that when someone contrasts it, it”s almost impossible to believe the truth. We all have capacity to both generate the lies and believe them.

I still constantly fight with my 7-17 year old selves. Those ingrained desires and wants to be liked, those fears that at any moment they”ll all know that I don”t deserve to be liked. When I”ve been asked why I go straight home and spend most of my time alone, I don”t say because deep down inside I”m emotionally drained and stressed from one more day of trying not to screw it all up. That I had discovered long ago that though I so wanted to be part of the crowd it was so much easier to spend my time alone. The 7-17 year olds in me know that while it hurts to be alone, it hurts so much less than being with someone that without a moment”s notice will jump all over you for no reason at all.

So I ask you one more time. What is the point? Take it from the stereo type that knows, and don”t be a bully. I realize that I”ve jumped in every direction in this, but it”s been going through my mind for months now and I finally let it out.

8 Responses to “Alone is Easier”

  1. I don’t see how bullying makes the other person feel better either. I understand having a bad day and taking it out on the wrong person (not that that’s right either). The world’s a mess. Lots of need for healing and the reality of Jesus’ love.
    Jason Stasyszen recently posted..Theology, Up in FlamesMy Profile

    • philip says:

      Yeh, it’s all the moment you get caught up in. I have certainly had my share of bad days and not reacted correctly to others who genuinely want to reach out and make sure you’re doing okay. Trying to do better at that but have fallen on my face in that area recently. Thanks for your thoughts Jason!

  2. floyd says:

    I appreciate your honesty. All of us carry scars from an imperfect childhood. I was teased without mercy as a kid. Up until around second grade I had a speech impediment. That time taught me to hide who I really was and to put up the facade of strong and fearless. Eventually violence was just part of the deal… living with anxiety and fear as a kid stays with us. I’m still learning to not fear the world, but to revere my Father, who holds all my enemies in the palm of His hand with me…
    floyd recently posted..JUNIOR’S DEBUTMy Profile

  3. Rick Dawson says:

    I was bullied – a lot – nearly every day from the 3rd grade until I left to join the Navy. When I returned to my home town after getting out, I was physically stronger but it was not a case of huge biceps, just a capacity that had been there all along but never pushed to the surface.

    At work one day, I was carrying an oak pallet across my back over my shoulders when one of the guys who was always on the fringes of the bully crowd – and who happened to work at the same place I did – started mouthing off at me from about 30 feet away. This time, I didn’t suck the anger inward. I flipped the pallet over my head so it slammed the floor, hard, and said in quite crude terms that if this guy wanted to fight me to come on and let’s do this now, otherwise… fill in the blank.

    The plant was silent when I called attention down on our little situation, but the noise picked up again after I retrieved the pallet from the floor. I was quaking on the inside, sure I was going to have to fight this guy after work.

    He got in his car at lunch and quit – he couldn’t take the verbal abuse being heaped on him by others from the fringe crowd who also worked there. It was a freeing experience, especially for someone who never learned how to fight.

    Good post, Phil.
    Rick Dawson recently posted..Consider My ServantMy Profile

    • philip says:

      Thanks Rick, that’s about the only way to deal with those things sometimes. It might not be pretty and we might get some looks, but sometimes there’s just nothing left to do. Thanks for sharing your experiences!

  4. nance.mdr says:

    It can be hard to live beyond things that we have learned early on. I suppose though that the Spirit is either changing you or using you. Or both…most probably both…as you are taken through the process of whatever change is being made in you.

    All of your words are a good reminder to sift words through our heart and use with good measure.
    Sift them through prayer.

    Good reminder, well done.

    • philip says:

      Thank you so much for your thoughts. What I failed to mention in this post is that I am definitely in a much better place now than I was a couple of years ago when I originally wrote this post. Through prayer and those that He has placed in my life through the years, I have definitely found myself overcoming the fears and living in peace with things. Thanks again for coming by and giving input!